Written by Eileen Davidson, Arthritis Patient Advisory Board member
There are moments in life when roles reverse so quickly that they leave you breathless. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 29, then my elderly father’s health declined, and he began needing more help because of arthritis and cancer.
His severe osteoarthritis has significantly affected his mobility and independence, and suddenly I found myself in a new role: caregiver.
There is an assumption that caregivers are the healthy ones. The strong ones. The capable ones. The people who drive to appointments, remember the questions, pick up prescriptions, notice changes and speak up when something doesn’t seem right.
But what happens when the caregiver is living with arthritis too?
My own health already requires significant management. I live with rheumatoid arthritis and non-radiographic axial spondyloarthritis. I have to take medications, go to my own appointments, and deal with pain, fatigue, brain fog, poor sleep, and the constant calculations that come with a body that does not always cooperate.
Now, alongside managing my health, I help my father manage his.
Watching His World Get Smaller
One of the hardest parts of caregiving has been watching my father’s mobility decline.
Because arthritis is so common, it can sound almost ordinary. But osteoarthritis is not simply an aching joint. It can change how someone gets out of a chair, climbs stairs, gets into a vehicle, shops for groceries, or moves through their own home.
I have watched my father’s world grow smaller as movement has become harder. There is grief in seeing someone who was once independent begin to need help. I recognize that grief because arthritis has changed my own life.
We Both Live with Arthritis, But Our Experiences Are Not the Same
My father and I both live with arthritis, but our experiences are very different.
He lives with severe osteoarthritis affecting his knees and hands. His biggest challenges are pain, mobility, and independence. He uses a cane and is currently on a long waitlist for knee replacement surgery.
My arthritis is inflammatory and autoimmune. It can affect much more than my joints, bringing fatigue, stiffness, pain, brain fog and an overall feeling of being unwell from systemic inflammation.
Living side by side has reminded me how broad the word arthritis really is. Different types of arthritis behave, feel, and affect daily life very differently.
But we both know the frustration of a body limiting what we want to do. We both adjust plans because of pain and sometimes need help with things we would rather do independently. Our experiences with arthritis may be different, but the losses and need to adapt feel familiar to both of us.
When We Both Need Care
There are days when my father needs me and my own body needs care at the same time.
Chronic illness doesn’t disappear because somebody else needs you. My pain doesn’t wait until his appointment is over. Fatigue doesn’t care that there are errands to run, and brain fog doesn’t care that I need to remember what the doctor said at his appointment.
More often than I would like, I take care of myself last, and it isn’t always by choice. Sometimes helping him means having less energy left for myself. Sometimes I’ve pushed through because there wasn’t another option.
People often praise caregivers for being strong. What they don’t see is my recovery afterward: I’ve cancelled plans, taken extra time to rest, felt increased pain, and spent time rebuilding an already limited supply of energy. Sometimes, I feel like I am managing two bodies: his and mine.
How to Support a Caregiver
Caregivers are often told, “Let me know if you need anything.” But when someone is already overwhelmed, figuring out what to ask for can become another task.
Here are ways to offer that support to a caregiver:
-Specific offers are often more helpful: bring a meal, offer a ride, or pick up groceries or prescriptions. You can also offer to spend time with their loved one so they can attend their own appointment, exercise, rest, or have a few hours to themselves.
-Check in on the caregiver, not only the person receiving care. Ask how they are doing and listen to them without immediately trying to fix the situation.
– Continue to include the caregiver in life outside of caregiving too. Invite them for coffee, a walk, or dinner – even if they often have to say no.
Navigating Caregiving When You Have Arthritis Too
When you live with arthritis, caregiving requires difficult choices. There may be times when both you and the person you care for need help at once.
I have learned that protecting my own health is not optional. If I continually push past my limits, eventually my body decides for me. I also try to protect my own healthcare appointments. It can be tempting to put your needs aside, but your arthritis still requires attention. Caregivers need something else that is easy to forget: rest and joy.
Practical adaptations can help too: keeping medical information organized, writing down questions before appointments, using shared calendars, choosing virtual appointments when appropriate, and involving family members or healthcare professionals when possible.
When Roles Change
There is no perfect way to balance arthritis and caregiving. Some days will still feel messy. The goal is to find ways to care for someone you love without disappearing in the process.
Caregiving has reinforced something arthritis already taught me: independence is more fragile than we realize. Bodies change, families change, and roles change. Arthritis can reshape not only a person’s mobility and independence, but also relationships, responsibilities, and the lives of those providing care.
One day you may need help, and another day you may be the one giving it.
